Friday, 8 June 2018

Caffeine Nemesis

Seven in the morning. The rustling of the cars and boats, the Thames waking up.  Summer is one week old. Coffee maker alarm clock - like flirting with yourself. Wake up at dawn to a smell of freshly brewed cup - someone took care of you. Mmm. You took care of yourself. It's damn agreeable!  Bitterness and caffeine - yesterdays drug of choice. I sip and analyze, my favorite activity by far. A murky surface. The first notes of "Sympathy for the Devil" by Rolling Stones playing in your head. "I've been around for a long, long year. Stole many a man's soul and faith... tell me, baby, can you guess my name... what's puzzling you, is the nature of my game..."

Vivid dreams last night with unambiguous characters - protagonists from a distant past, in whom I happened to have recognized myself. Drinking coffee and thinking about how amiable it is for me presently to believe in reincarnation of a kind. We do not repeat in this life the experience of another person, our behavior reflects the repetition of different situations associated with others. There is no program or predetermination, it overflows with symbolism, metaphors or even hyperboles. We, as the authors of our choices, ourselves change the scenarios, switch the realities, choose actualities.

Do you like the first snow or dig into my thoughts? Do you like overdrive or drive distortion, the smell of burning matches or icy hot temples? When someone switches off your mind or books, books, books? Imagine, I have no idea what you love! Maybe this is an unexacting desire to fill a two-dimensional life with elucidations and lurid colors? 

Another frantic day, in many complementing contrast conversations. We are chemical elements, time is ticking and so we transfigure. Every cell of your body is completely renewed in 7 years, and it takes only 16 days to renew by 72%. After not seeing someone for seven years, you meet an entirely different organism. But personality? Something lives in us, this something develops, evolves, reorients. When you do not see a dear one for 7 years, they keep moving and changing all this time... Though keep living in your memory as you have known...

Mix-ups arise mainly from fantasies. If you did not have speculation, you would accept life as it is. But then you would not have a romantic love, because the romantic love is when you found your dream embodied in someone who was far from matching it. “Fantasy love is much better than reality love. Never doing it is very exciting. The most exciting attractions are between two opposites that never meet.”

Life in the style of hardcore. Sometimes you feel that you've been "hit by a train." Astonished and drown in an arduous alternating experience... Then we suddenly secretly hope that it will happen again... In substantial selfishness and incessantly denying banality. Time passes in the self-studies, and we realize that we are those "trains" for others too... You create this state around you, your energy, magnetism lead to consequences, to results that change what has been unchanged before you... 

Wondrous conversations. We talk about lost love and voyages, less about books, more about ideas. We build plans that we learn to implement immediately. If left for later, the expiration date will expire. We learn to build fences, year after year, all the better, traps, evaluations, probes. All this shunning from our vulnerability, apprehensions and previous disappointments. We are like hunters on our territory. Hunters after ourselves. We guard what is left in the soul, by a mix of habit and instinct, not being a function, an instrument, a spare part or a mechanism. But a unique substance consisting of the atoms of stars that exploded millions of years ago, and which somehow miraculously received the ability to recognize themselves. Joined by covalent bonds that force particles to hold together, when atoms of a molecule share galvanizing electrons.

And the coffee on the windowsill is cooling at the speed of light. 

© Elin Vidoff